Yog Guru Ramdev recommends renaming “Jantar Mantar” to “Tahrir Square” for successful revolution

Aastha Channel:  Yog guru Ramdev is purportedly inspired by the people of Egypt who have ousted 2 heads of state successfully. He’s in awe of their protests which is independent of the type of government. In a prime time episode hosted by Aastha Channel, Baba Ramdev shares his views on everything other than yoga.

“The people of Egypt have had successful protests despite the form of government. Be it dictatorship or democracy they’ve successfully ousted the incumbent government and paved the way for a new one. Contrary to popular belief, this has nothing to do with the people of Egypt but has everything to do with their ‘bhoomi’ i.e. Tahrir Square. There is a power (Shakti) in that area that enables successful protests.

Since indefinite fasts and neck turning yoga- asanas have been unsuccessful in persuading the government to pass the “jan-lokpal bill”, I will discuss with team Anna to rename Jantar Mantar to Tahrir Square. If I cannot do Shirsasan (a form of yoga where the yogi is upside down) in Tahrir square, Cairo, I shall do it here in Tahrir square, New Delhi!”

This has raised significant alarm amongst the government who fear International attention at the name Tahrir. BJP is pleased that Ramlila Maidan is not being renamed. Sources close to the BJP say “As long as there are no absurd suggestions to rename a place named after Jai Shri Ram to anything Islamic we have no qualms”.   

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Ekta Kapoor’s new film titled “(pan)choli ke peeche kya hai?”

Following the runaway success of “The Dirty Picture”, B-Town is abuzz with rumours of Ekta Kapoor making a sequel titled, “(pan)choli ke peeche kya hai?”.  She hopes to capture the limited imagination of the audience by making a ‘no-nudity-barred’ sequel, on the life and times of late actress Jiah Khan.

Ekta Kapoor who is known for her women oriented flicks (her body of work includes psychological horrors like Ragini MMS, Krishna Cottage and the recent autobiographical flick- Ek Thi Daayan). Sources close to Ekta say that ever since mama bear Shobha and just-a-bear Ekta heard news of young actress Jiah Khan’s suicide they have struck a deal to make a movie of her life. The title is a jab at actor Suraj Pancholi whose affair with Jiah reportedly led the young actress to a premature death.

Ekta is currently negotiating with Vidya Balan to shed all her weight and play the protagonist in the film.  Suraj Pancholi will naturally be played by Tusshar Kapoor. Ever since his successful stint in the Golmaal series, Ekta deemed there was no one better than Tusshar to play the role of a mute person while looking silly and suspiciously guilty through the film.

This recent turn of activity has left director Ram Gopal Varma in a fit of rage. There’s news from the RGV camp that Varma took time off his tweeting to commence talks with Amitabh Bachchan to direct a movie based on Jiah Khan’s life, tentatively titled “Nishabd Forever”.  He tweeted late last night saying “It’s terribly philistine of certain studio heads to sensationalise terrible tragedies even before the mourning period is over”.

His last status update was “Currently working on the sequel of Bhooth”.

Yo Yo Honey Singh to make a comeback with his new album, BJP-JDU Alag Beat Pe

Within the Loins Of Punjab: Punjab di shame, Yo Yo Honey Singh hopes to make women swoon again with his new album titled ‘BJP-JDU Alag Beat Pe’ . The self-proclaimed International Villager, whose reputation nose-dived after his misogynist songs, has decided to direct his vulgarity to a safe haven namely, politics.

 Sources close to Honey confirmed the news. “Yo Yo keeps himself abreast with current affairs. Last time also he made a song na? About that Delhi rape case. He has serious views about national news”

Twitter is abuzz with suggestions of whether Narendra Modi or Nitish Kumar will play the role of the “wife”.  Looking at his track record, the supposed wife will be subjected to whip lashes, full body spanks and everything else that will make erotic bestseller 50 Shades of Grey look like a primary school textbook.

Using Google Person Finder, Faking News managed to track down Mr Honey Singh who blamed the NGO’s for rocking his life like a hurricane. “Ya ya, I will be yo yo-ing about the famous couple. My first song called ‘Secy Sasura’ is already being recorded. It will tackle subtle issues like secularism and how ‘sasura’  Nitish Kumar hopes to achieve it. My next song is called ‘No vaccination for a Namonia filled nation’ “

Sources close to Nitish Kumar claim that he is mightily pleased at being referred to as “Secy Sasura” . On the other hand, BJP is lobbying for Honey Singh’s next album to be called a National Calamity.

NRN to pioneer innovation in Infosys by blocking access to Google

Bangalore: While most companies block access to time consuming activities like Facebook and Twitter , NRN has decided to up the ante by blocking access to “The Guru of Distraction”, a.k.a Google.

In a recently held press conference, the ex-retired chairman of Infosys,Narayana Murthy (NRN) disclosed his comeback strategy.

“Infosys has been in the limelight for being led by a group of nincompoops. However I think the company’s deplorable condition is due to Google” declared a pensive looking NRN.  “‘Googling’ is a communicable disease that the extremely large family of Infintosys is suffering from. Repeatedly using the obscene acronym GIMF is symptomatic of suffering from Googleyvitis”

Hoping to kill a flock of birds with one stone, NRN said that blocking Google would automatically block access to other productivity decreasing activities like repeatedly playing the Doodle.

In order to reclaim their position on top and once again provide the most expensive software solutions, NRN  had a brainstorming session. “Some really great ideas like doling out keyboards which had the letters ‘Ctrl’, ‘C’ and ‘V’ missing were suggested. However the Human Resource Department pointed out that, crucial words like CV could not be formed if I went ahead with that move.

Banning Goolge.com  has raised  significant concern amidst the infy janta. Says Employee number 123456789abcd (name hidden for H.R purposes) ,”I recently won the innovation award for the quarter. Saala, my vote of thanks was dedicated to Google. Without G, I couldn’t have even compiled my code!”

 From the development engineers to technical support staff everyone is deeply shaken. Says a distressed systems engineer” How am I supposed to do my job if I can’t even ping google.com?!”

Rohan Murthy who was available for comment via whatsapp, said “I think appa, is heading in the right direction. Employees ought to go back to the basics and start using Internet Explorer again” (Sent from my Google Nexus)